I Made Spammer Chili

Part of my job as a sysadmin is to maintain the wiki for the department for which I work. Before I started moderating the wiki, it was configured to allow people to create their own user accounts and post whatever they liked. As you may have guessed, this led to a lot of poorly worded pages on topics such as penis enlargement, miracle diet cures, and cheap life insurance.

One such page contained a recipe for chili. I’m not sure what the SEO (Search Engine Optimization – basically, make Google like you) tactic was here, but I thought it was pretty awesome. If someone’s going to spam your wiki, they might as well leave delicious recipes while they do it. They threw in a link at the bottom to the effect of “Oh, and by the way, check out my webpage about cheap life insurance,” so I suppose their ploy was to increase their page rank and try to make it look authentic. In future, they should probably not target websites owned by university physiology departments to post their chili recipes.

On the assumption that creating something toxic by mixing innocuous kitchen ingredients is very unlikely, I decided to actually make the chili that I found on the wiki. I didn’t have any other dinner plans… why not? What follows is the original text, unmodified except for my annotations, which are in italics.

Note: If you’re the spammer who wrote this on our wiki, please feel free to let me know. I do believe you relinquished your rights to this article when you posted it on our site without permission, but I’ll give you credit if you want it. If you are not a spammer, and this is your original recipe, please contact me and we’ll figure it out.

*     *     *

Great Chili

Cold wintry weather makes us extended for comfort foods and chili is one of the most well-liked. A lot of people settle for canned or deli chili since they think they do not have time to make it ‘from scratch.’ Nonetheless, prepared chili just does not have exactly the same amount of satisfaction as the homemade variety.

I have to say, I have been feeling rather “extended” for comfort foods lately.

Here can be a fast and simple recipe that can satisfy your family’s craving for warmth with out taking up hours of one’s time. It can be ready totally inside a huge skillet in about 45 minutes or use a crock pot to let it simmer until dinner time for much more flavor.

Fantastic. Because my family is craving warmth, but I don’t want to take up hours of one’s time. Also, it’s so frustrating when other recipes aren’t totally inside the skillet; when they’re only two thirds inside the skillet it really drives me crazy.

6 Servings

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound of lean ground beef or ground turkey
  • 1 medium onion
  • 1 tablespoon chili powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon minced garlic - Really? Come on, now: you won’t even TASTE the garlic. Three cloves of it. Also, I panicked a little because I forgot the garlic, so it ended up being less “minced” and more “haphazardly chopped.”
  • 1/8 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon cumin
  • 1 teaspoon celery salt
  • 1 teaspoon salt (optional)
  • 1/2 cup salsa
  • 1 16 ounce can of kidney or pinto beans in chili sauce (chili beans) – I didn’t use chili beans, I just used regular black beans. Also, I could only find a 19oz can.
  • 1 14 ounce can of diced chili ready tomatoes (or use plain diced tomatoes and enhance salsa to 3/4 cup) – Diced, canned tomatoes. That’s 398ml, for those of us who use metric.

Delicious ingredients.

Peel and chop the onion. Crumble lean ground beef or turkey into a large skillet. Add the chopped onion and cook over medium heat, stirring regularly, till the onion is tender along with the meat is light brown.

Skillet? Forget that: pot. For one thing, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that this thing is going to fit “totally inside” the skillet. This recipe makes a lot of chili. Also, I love it when onions are tender.

Everything cooked in my kitchen gets olive oil and salt. Yes, sometimes even deserts. So I put olive oil in the bottom of the pot before cooking the meat and the onions. Also, you might think that you’d want to cook the onions by themselves first, but you totally don’t, because they’re fine this way. This is also the step where I opened the beer.

Doesn’t look like much yet, but just wait.

Skillet Option:

Pour the cooked mixture into a large colander to drain all liquid. Return the meat and onion mixture for the skillet. Stir in the spices, salsa, chili beans, and tomatoes. Bring to a low boil more than medium heat. Decrease heat to low and simmer for about thirty minutes, stirring occasionally.

Colanders are for the weak; I didn’t drain jack squat. Besides, it’s like mamma always said, “Beef juice is good for you.”

Serve immediately or retailer inside a covered container in the refrigerator until prepared to eat. Reheat on top in the stove in a skillet or sauce pan, stirring often, or use individual serving bowls and put inside a microwave for 1 to two minutes.

It smells delicious. Seriously, it does.

Crock Pot Option:

While the meat and onions are cooking, combine salsa, chili beans, tomatoes and spices in a crock pot. Right after draining the liquid from the meat and onions, add the mixture to the ingredients inside the crock pot. Stir well. Cook on low for 2-3 hours, then decrease heat setting to warm until time to eat. Stir just before serving.

Variations:

Rather of celery salt, add 1/2 cup of chopped celery towards the meat and onion mixture whilst cooking.

Add 1/2 cup chopped red or green bell pepper to the meat and onion mixture even though cooking.

Chili-Mac Variation:

Add 1 cup water and 1/2 cup rotini or penne pasta to cooked meat mixture before draining. Continue cooking over medium heat until pasta is tender. Drain and continue with either the skillet or the crock pot alternative.

Vegetarian Variation:

In a ten inch skillet, saute the onion and spices with 1/2 cup celery, 1/2 cup of bell pepper, and 1/2 cup sliced carrots in 4 tablespoons of olive oil.

Add:

   1/2 cup of vegetable stock
   1 cup of rotini or penne pasta

Bring to a low boil and simmer until pasta is tender, stirring occasionally, Combine cooked ingredients in a large soup pot (or crock pot) with salsa, chili beans, and tomatoes.

Add:

   1 16 oz can of black beans with liquid
   1 can of whole kernel corn with liquid

Stir nicely and simmer more than low heat for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally (or cook in crock pot on low for 2-3 hours, then lower heat to warm until ready to eat).

Garnishes:

   Shredded Mexican style or Cheddar Cheese
   Finely chopped raw onions
   Sliced Jalapeno Peppers or Banana Pepper Rings
   Corn Chips
   Oyster or Saltine Crackers

Here is also some information about getting Cheap Life Insurance (Link Omitted because I'm not actually a spammer.)

Chili and Glutenberg gluten free beer. Delicious combination.

*     *     *

The verdict? This chili was freaking amazing! I don't know anything about chili, but whatever this was, it was flavorful, delicious, and really freaking good. I'll totally make this again, but not any time soon because I have SO many left overs. This made deleting around 100 spam pages totally worth it (which I had to do individually because Mediawiki isn't down with the whole "making it easy for you to delete posts" thing because that discourages creativity and also spammers).

It did need a bit of salt, but I put salt on everything, because I'm basically just like that alien in Star Trek the Original Series that kills people by sucking all the salt out of their bodies, except I do that with food and not always people.

I haven't tried the crock pot or vegetarian varieties, but I imagine you can't go wrong with the base recipe.

Overall, this chili was amazing, and I'm really glad I made it. And I haven't died yet, although I have been getting this strange urge to help those poor displaced members of African Royalty who really need me to help them save their money. I mean, they're going to give me a cut out of the goodness of their hearts, and it really is so tragic.

So I ask you, dear sir or madam, to please try this most delicious wonderful recipe of chili. And also to click on the following lnik for to view startling new informations about how you may enlarge your penis all naturally with no extra charge. Click here to lern more.

One thought on “I Made Spammer Chili

  1. Pingback: More Spammer Chili « Worldgnat

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