Having Faith in Chaos

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here. I could say it’s because I’ve been busy, or because I haven’t had much to say lately, but the truth is that I’m burnt out. It’s that time of the semester when doing anything I’m supposed to do takes me at least a week, if I have that long. Around this time of year, I start to feel boring. The overwhelming number of projects that fly around in my head causes the rest of my life to pale in comparison. But I know that as soon as exams are over, and as soon as I can go on a TV, staying up until 4am, and sleeping until 2pm binge, I’ll feel better. To alter a quote fromAndromeda, one of my favorite TV shows of all time: School isn’t the best way to get a degree, it’s just the only way to get a degree.

So let’s talk about the future. I wrote a few other drafts before this one, but this is what’s really going on, and it’s what I really want to talk about.

Whenever it comes up in conversation, I ask other students what they want to do when they graduate. I’ve asked this question to a good-sized handful of people, and the answer is almost invariably “I don’t know.” I may have blogged about this before, but I find it really interesting (and comforting) to know that lots of people are in the same position. Some people tell me that they’re going to graduate school because they need more time to figure out what to do with their lives, and why not study in the meantime? Most people I’ve talked to have a few ideas about what they want to do, but they seem like distant possibilities rather than concrete options. And in many people’s voices, when they tell me about their potential future plans, I hear a bit of reluctance to think about the future. Or maybe I’m just projecting my feelings onto them.

My story is this: I’m a Computer Science major. The career path I want to follow has changed every semester since I’ve been at University, and I imagine it will continue that way until the day I graduate, and possibly afterward. For most of this semester, I wanted to do a PhD in Artificial Intelligence. That could lead me to doing research, or working for a company like Google, IBM, Oracle, or a variety of other tech companies. The problem is that I’m also learning how much I don’t like math. I like math, but I have to be in a math sort of mood to enjoy it. And most of the time, I’m not in a math sort of mood. There’s a lot of math in AI. But there’s also a lot of opportunity for cool applications of AI like robotics and space exploration.

The idea that comforts me at times like this, is that I can always forget my degree and open a restaurant. Or I can work some job that my degree will allow me to get, start writing on the side, and use my degree as a safe transition into the professional writing world. It’s comforting to know that I have the skills to do something completely outside of my current education, and I don’t think I would have that without my theater experience, and without a string of fantastic English profs throughout my schooling.

I’ve also talked to several people who have already graduated. A friend of my parents studied business, and spent years running his family business before deciding to become a reverend. My dad majored in Organic Chemistry, and now he works with financial systems. It seems there are plenty of people who start working in their field, decide it’s not for them, and pursue something else. I suppose the light at the end of tunnel is that you can always change your mind.

When you’re faced with the question of what to do with your life, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that life is a fluid sort of thing. I don’t identify with a particular religion, but I do believe that in some way – whether governed by God or physics – the universe throws things at you that you wouldn’t expect, and that often those things help you get to an even better place than you were before. In AI this would be called hill-climbing with random restarts: you start somewhere, and you try to make the best of your current situation. Soon, your situation will change, and you have to continue trying to make the best of the new situations as they come along. Sometimes you’ll do worse, sometimes you’ll do better, but hopefully the trend is generally upward. It helps to realize that life is always changing, and if you’re unhappy where you are now or where you’re going, something will certainly change soon. As scary as it is, it’s comforting to have faith in something, even if all you have faith in is the constantly changing nature of the universe*.

*In Andromeda this is called Wayism, and I’m sort of disappointed that it’s not a real religion.

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