There are lots of silver bullet diet blog posts out there, but as we all should know by now, silver bullet cures don’t exist. However, I recently discovered a MIRACLE DIET CURE that will help you LOSE WEIGHT and LOOK GOOD and all that. Here it is.
It’s called the “Student Diet,” or as I frequently refer to it, the “I’m too lazy and/or busy to get up and get food” diet. It’s a simple diet, and all you have to do is follow these basic principles:
- You are here. Food is there. Do you really want to get up out of your chair and go get it? No. No, you don’t. You want to keep browsing Reddit. So by all means, continue.
- Food is Expensive. The average per-capita monthly food expenditure in Canada is around $205 per month. That is entirely too much. That’s money you could spend on a new phone, books, movies, music, vacations, rent, or anything else that isn’t food. So the next time you look in your fridge, don’t see a delicious buffet of delectable treats: see a lot of money that’s about to be converted into people-dung.
- Stop complaining and drink your caffeine. It’s a well-known fact that caffeine boosts your metabolism, but most people forget that caffeine also makes you more tired later. The more tired you are, the lazier you are, and the lazier you are, the less you feel like getting up to eat. So drink your coffee*. Also I read somewhere that coffee prevents Alzheimer’s, though for the life of me I can’t remember where**.
- Transportation is expensive, so hoof it, weakling. Gas, bus fairs, train tickets, rental cars, taxis – they all have one thing in common: they’re expensive. Know what’s not expensive? Your feet. Back in the days before cars, people who wanted to get places had to walk. Embrace your roots and get moving. If you must, save up your money and buy a bike. This should cost you a few months of bus fairs, one train ticket, or two tanks of gas. Yeah, gas is expensive***.
- Beans are life, Beans are happiness, Beans are easy to cook. Ok, so you’re really lazy, but you’re pretty hungry. You want to save money, but you have to eat something eventually. What do you eat? Beans. Dried beans, more specifically. You can buy dry beans in – like – 15 lb bags, and one bag should last you for a few months. They take an hour to reconstitute, they’re super cheap, and they have a lot of fiber and nutrients and things doctors say you need to eat and that don’t cause cancer. And remember: Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart, the more you eat…
- Sleep it off. Apparently a lack of sleep can cause weight retention. Now, I might have trouble getting myself to go out and lift weights or run, but one thing I can always do is sleep. Having a rough night? Sleep in until 1 tomorrow. Getting bored at the party? Go home and sleep, even though it’s only 9pm. I like to get a good 10 hours of sleep once or twice a week during finals. Also, you dream more the longer you sleep (this is actually true,) so if you want to spend more time in crazy dreamland, sleep more. Finally, it’s a true fact that when you’re sleeping, you’re not eating, unless you’re eating spiders which are high in protein and low in fat (i.e. they’re good for you; eat more spiders.)
Many of you are probably following this diet already, since I imagine that most of my reading audience is made up of students. The great thing about the student diet is that it takes advantage of your lower nature: the desire to spend less energy doing less, and save money while you’re doing it. Harness your inner couch potato, sleep more, do less, and start losing weight today!
Also, this is a horrible idea, don’t actually do it.
*It’s worth noting that if you drink too much coffee, you’ll be dead, and then you’ll lose weight like CRAZY. But you’ll also be dead, so maybe take it easy on the caffeine.
**This is such an obvious joke, I know, but I seriously can’t remember; it was a few years ago. Which probably means that by now “scientists” have published another study showing a correlation between coffee and increased incidence of Alzheimer’s, because publish or perish dictates that you should publish whatever research you have, even if it’s stupid and counterproductive.
***And don’t start whining about “winter” and “ice” and “snow.” Ever heard of snow shoes? Know what they’re for? Get some; use them.